For months, I was desperate to leave this city. For weeks, all I could think about was the sucking black hole of this place and how I would possibly survive if my escape plan didn’t work. I couldn’t imagine how I would go on if this company rejected me, if they didn’t like my work enough to be my rope ladder. The friends that left, the relationship that failed, the family member I lost, the work I hated and the pressure I was being crushed by slowly. At some point, I gave up my slow crawl in exchange for treading water. I let every small failure hit me unguarded. Took every punch to the gut and convinced myself I deserved it. I slept late or didn’t sleep at all. I hid from people that cared for me and ran to the arms of people that I knew would treat me exactly how I felt about myself already. I got sick and stayed sick. In every sense I was desperate. In every sense, I couldn’t imagine how I would feel in March. I couldn’t even imagine March.
It’s March. It’s here and I’m here and this is the place where I will rebuild. In part, it starts with realizing that I have been an absolute idiot about men, or even people in general. Save one important exception, I have grown accustomed to being expendable, to being taken and left in love. I’ve betrayed my little heart by by inflating small moments to be signifiers of great emotional connection. By accepting less than what I’ve deserved. Perhaps this is the problem with having had amazing love early in life- anything since has been paltry and frustratingly dim. So, instead of holding to that bright example, I’ve accepted anything that was offered and received exactly what I should have expected. My awesome friends, please hear this and smack me upside the head with it when I ignore my own words: this is bullshit. I deserve what I love to give. You do. K, You deserve what you give and what you have been accepting is not even close to what you would like to give. So stop. Oh god, it is so simple isn’t it. Stop accepting it.
In January, I couldn’t imagine making it here. I had no idea that I could hit back, no idea that the simple word ‘No’ would become the most empowering weapon in my arsenal. When I said I couldn’t imagine being here in this city much longer, what I meant to say was, “I cannot imagine being myself for much longer”. This month is a detox of all that. No dating, no wasting my time with things that don’t fill my heart to bursting. A giant life reset- a cleaning out of the things and people and habits that don’t serve my brighter spirit. These are the first days of the month, but I had coffee with a friend early today and yoga with another this morning. Yes, to all of that. Yes. I could live like this. I could survive like this. With no and yes, I’m beginning to imagine March and May and April and June in any city. I can imagine March and May and April with myself.